His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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