??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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