Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
