I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
