Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
