I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
