Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize