Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
