I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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