I just saw a hot homeless man
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
