The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
