did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
