And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
