She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
