Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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