I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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