ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
