i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize