Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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