i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize