Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
