i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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