You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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