sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
