everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
