i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
