i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
