If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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