My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
