I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
