did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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