put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
