My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
