Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
