Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
