I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize