I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
