he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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