I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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