i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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