I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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