Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He passed out mid-signature
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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