i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
