She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
