I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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