we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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