Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
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