you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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