I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
