I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
