There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
