Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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