I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
