Your face is a jimmy john
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Randomize
