Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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