You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
