I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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